Losing my mind over the Menopause!

I am officially IN the menopause as opposed to peri-menopausal (it’s all very confusing).  There was no fanfare to herald this new chapter of my life, just the non arrival of the dreaded monthly curse for 18 months.  Have I missed them?  Why, not likely!!

I seem, so far, to have missed the worst of the symptoms.  Yes, I’ve had the odd hot flush but thankfully seem to have missed out the night sweats (and in the case of a friend, day sweats too) which I’m very grateful for.  My hair has gone thinner, but then I never had thick hair in the first place so I can’t say it’s very noticeable.  I try to combat the thin-ness by using Plantur 39 shampoo which I have to say, is the ONLY shampoo I’ve been able to use for the last year or so, that doesn’t make my hair feel and look like straw.

There are only two flies in my menopausal ointment……the first is the worst I think.  The testosterone fuelled chin hairs….well, I say chin hairs, it’s more like a full on beard and the moustache ain’t bad either.  I’d give Michael Finnegan a run for his money and I’m pretty sure if I gave up on the waxing and plucking, I could don a red suit at Christmas and make a rather convincing Santa.  Ho Ho Ho.

Secondly, my brain seems to have done a runner, altho’ some will argue it was never there to begin with.  For example, most of the time I have absolutely no idea what is going to come out of my mouth.  Usually it’s something completely different to what I had planned to say, it’s like the wiring between my brain and mouth has short circuited. It mixes words up to make new ones….’par cark’ (Car park) is just one of MANY examples I could give.  It’s embarassing.  But not as embarassing as not being able to remember the name of an object, name or place when you are mid conversation and end up saying things like ‘thingy’, ‘whatsit’ or ‘Ermmmm Ermmmmm”etc etc.  I come across as really intelligent….not!!!

And then there’s the memory loss.  I swear to God, some days I think I’m starting with Alzheimer’s.  I can remember the lyrics to nigh on every song I liked in the 80’s teenage years,  I can remember the name of every holiday hotel and resort I’ve stayed in since 1971, yet I can walk into the kitchen and have absolutely NO idea what I’ve gone in there for.  I look around helplessly asking myself “What did I come in here for…..What did I come in here for”?  Sometimes I remember but most of the time I don’t, I walk out again and 5 minutes later I remember I was going to check the calendar or some such.

And don’t get me started on talking to myself….I have blown conversations AND arguments with no one but me.  Worst thing is talking to myself in the supermarket “Right, I need bread….where’s the bread aisle”?   I know I’m doing it, God knows I try hard not to do it, but sometimes it just slips out AND those bloody self serve tills don’t help in the slightest.  How many times I’ve had an argument with the damned things “I HAVE put the bloody bottle in the bagging area, for God’s sake” although I did have the wind taking out my sails a few weeks back in Poundland, when the self serve till started talking to me as Elvis.  I shit you not.

Anyhoo, I’ve decided that women get the shitty end of the stick and next time,  I’m coming back as a man……or a dog!